A Rosbif in Paris

When I started to write this, I was sitting on an aeroplane. So read it as if I’m talking present tense. Even though it’s in the past. Something else I need to learn how to do properly when I blog.

I’m sitting in seat 12F. Emergency exit seat. I’m off to Brno in the Czech Republic, via Vienna. There is an airport in Brno, but it’s not that convenient for me, so I choose to fly to Vienna and then spend 2 hours on a taxi to get to the city of Brno.

I always try to fly Air France when I can. Not out of loyalty mind. Nor because it’s due to the fact I live in the region of Paris. It’s all about the air miles. Sod it. If I have to travel for the company, then I may as well get something out of it. I travel quite extensively too. Not enough to have the Platinum card but at least the Gold card. I get to go into the lounge in the airports (and have some of those really half decent croissants that they provide the early travellers with in CDG), check in in the business check in counter, go through the business security scanners and board at my own convenience. It does make travelling that much easier.

Most of my travel is around EMEA. That is Europe, Middle East and Africa. Mostly Europe at this time. A couple of trips to the Middle East too. For my current company that is. I’ll a pretty well-travelled person. Luckier than most, I suppose. I get to travel around the place and someone else pays. It’s not all fun and games though. I don’t mind the flying bit or the staying in hotels bit. It’s the bit between arriving at the airport and getting on the plane that’s not much fun.

OK, the lounge is good, as I said up there, but it’s the bit between leaving the lounge and getting on the plane that’s not much fun. That’s right. Security. The “control". I’m not having a go at the personnel as they’re doing their job. It’s always a bit of a bind in these days of heightened security. A necessary evil as such.

I’ve got my part off pat now. Laptop out of the bag (and my Xoom now), all metal objects into the tray (belt, phones (yes, I’ve got two of them), wallet, coins, etc., etc., etc.). Jacket off and into the tray too. I tend not to remove my ankle high boots unless I’m asked too. That’ll be going too far. Show the boarding card to the nice lady or gent, wait until I’m asked to proceed through the scanner (I’ve not had the pleasure of one of those body scanners yet). Wait for the invariable beep or not as is sometimes the case and then pick up my belongings. No liquids of course (what a stupid bloody rule that is). If (and that’s a big IF) I was really a terrorist, I could think of a million other ways to hijack a plane.

BIG DISCLAIMER IN BIG LETTERS. I’M EXPRESSING AN OPINION HERE. I’M NOT A TERRORIST!

Now I’ve got used to the old age pensioners taking an aircraft for what might seem to be the first time ever in their life or the scatty tourists that haven’t got a clue what they’re doing, where they’re going, etc. etc., etc. or even the somewhat interminable pace that the queue moves forward (I always try to arrive early in any case). What does get my goat however, is that whilst I live in the EU (you know common currency, no borders (with a couple of notable exceptions), no need for passports as you can show your ID (if you’re lucky enough to have been issued with one)) one thing I have noticed is lack of consistency in airport security checks.

In Paris, they’re pretty cool about things in general. Tight controls in most cases but they stick to procedures. However fly from somewhere like, shall we say, Vienna. In Vienna, one has to remove the cotton from ones Zippo so it doesn’t light. That’s right, the cotton. Ok, fine. I can still walk on to the aircraft with a dozen plastic lighters and three dozen boxes of matches. The next time I travel from Vienna (or Stuttgart which has a similar policy), what I’ll do is take the cotton out myself, stick it in a little bag and hide it in my case somewhere… It’s unlikely to be seen on the x-ray and I’ve not seen any sort of sniffing equipment near their security controls.

Anyway, I digress. It’s not the stupid policy that frustrates me, but the lack of consistency between EU airports. If there was one policy that fits all, then at least passengers would know where they stand and what to expect. It would be far too much to expect that one worldwide policy be developed. A close friend of mine had a completely brand new Zippo confiscated when travelling from the US back to Italy some years ago, despite his protestations and offer to remove both the flint and the cotton.

Okay, rant over.

Additional: I’m on the plane to fly back to France from Vienna at the mo. In case anyone from Vienna airport security is paying attention. One can enter the boarding area using the bar code on one’s ticket. Nice. Efficient. This gets all passengers into the right area at speed, no hassles. I can then purchaser liquid (alcohol for example) at one of the many duty free stores at my disposal. Just before I go to the boarding area in front of the gate, this is where I go through security and x-rays. Now I’m making a bit of an assumption here, but I suppose that said alcohol that I’ve just purchased is allowed through in spite of the liquids rule (you know, nothing more than 100 ml in a clear litre plastic bag). I assume so as I didn’t see a stash of bottles behind the x-ray machine nor any inebriated security guards. I suppose showing the till receipt would be proof of purchase in the airport.

Ok, still following me? Or should I spell this out for you and explain the complete waste of time your “no liquids policy” (and the Zippo cotton rule for that matter) is? Alright, I will explain it to you as I’m writing in English and I’m going to assume that English is not your native tongue. What’s to stop someone taking a genuine receipt from one of these stores and using the magic of a computer, create a new receipt for a bottle of alcohol on a specific date? Said person would have no troubles at all in taking a hazardous substance on an aircraft. Just a thought.

Addendum: I’d like to thank Captain Jacques Brunere (sp?) for explaining in such a light hearted way as to why we were going to be delayed in taking off today.